


Word Wars with Ro-Lal and Di-Stri

by jadebloods



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Asphyxiation, Butts, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Casual Cissexism, Choking, Dirk's Issues, Homestuck Shipping World Cup, Inaccurate depictions of anal sex, Introspection, M/M, Metafiction, Parody, Pesterlog, Pool Sex, Self-Hatred, Self-cest, Strider Manpain, Swimming Pools, Typos, Violence, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-04
Updated: 2013-08-04
Packaged: 2017-12-22 09:12:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/911468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jadebloods/pseuds/jadebloods
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dirk does not appreciate Roxy's literary overtures, so he attempts to remix her smoking hot friendfiction. Everybody is stupid. (Homestuck Shipping World Cup 2013 Main Round 2: Genre-Blending)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Word Wars with Ro-Lal and Di-Stri

**Author's Note:**

> This was Team Circledirk's entry for the Homestuck Shipping World Cup 2013 Main Round 2: Genre-Blending. Originally posted [here](http://hswc2013-r2.dreamwidth.org/3587.html).
> 
> Roxy's fic was written by [Ketsu](http://ak-english.tumblr.com/), the pesterlog by [Sxiz](http://sxizzor.tumblr.com/), and Dirk's fic by [Ella](http://jadebloods.tumblr.com/). Special thanks go to [Friendleader Lala](http://pumpkinkind.tumblr.com/) for contributing the word "manbutton" to this work.

**PASSIONATE SEXRETS**  
 _by ro-lal_

as dirk pulled off his sexxxy school unifrom shirt he heard the locker room door opening and turned 2 see who was there. his shades were off revealing his glitterting topaz orbs but as soon as he caught sight of the figure in the doorway he quickly put them back on light glinting off of them like the perfect stoic anime glassesflash. the boy who'd just come into the lockers room with him was also dirk.

"it's you," dirk 1 said with an undercurrent of apathy to his voice.

"it's me," dirk 2 agreed. "what're you doing here so late? school got out hours ago bro."

"i could ask the same of you.".

"i'm going swinming. now answer my question."

"what a coinciedence, i'm going swimming to."

"ok cool."

"cool"

dirk fumed as the other dirk joined him in undressinmg. they both had their swim trunks on underneath their school uniforms and they both changed from thier pointy animes shades into equa;ly pointy dark tinted swim goggles. the whole time dirk couldn't stop staring at the other dirk's ripped bod and toned pecs. they were about equally matched in musculacture but drik still felt envious like he couldn't shake the instinctive feeling that the other dirk was somehow MORE ripped and toned and muscucular than he was. he told himself he would never forgive himself if he lost to that guy.

walking in silence they made their way to the swimming pool. their goggles glassesflashed in the dim lighting of the room.

"five laps" said dirk 1.

"ten" dirk 3 retortred.

dirk 1 britsled. "twenty."

"youre on."

dork 1 kicked himself (mentally not literally) as they lined up in adjacent lanes and stretched in prepearation for their race. 20 was a lot of laps, he'd only suggested it in hopes of getting dirk 2 to back down but look how well that worked out. he couldn't back down now tho so all he could do was beat this chump's ass. beneath his tinted goggles his marnmalade pools of orange flickered over to watch drik 2's skin stretching tight over his sicknasty abs as he stretched. the stirrings of something began to stir in dirk 1`'s loins.

"ready?"

"set." as much as dirk de[psised dirk the two of them had this weirdly endearing habit of continuing and fishining each other's sentences.

"go."

They pushed off leaping in to the water at prepcisely the same time. dirk's muscles rippled under his skin as he swam and swam and swam. he lost track of time and as he swam all he knew was the water and the ache in his bod and the sound of the other dirk swimmimg in the lane next to him. they were neck and neck the entire time. five laps passed, then ten then fifteen. coming up on the nieneteneteh lap dirk was exhausted but he knew he had to do this. he kicked and paddled until he reached the wall and splapped his hand against it.

breaking thru the surface dirk gasped and looked over to see dirk treading water there beside him. they tied again. theyll always tied. neither of them had ever beaten the other.

drik slammed his fist against the watre and said "fuck!" why can't he ever beat dick, he wonders. why does it alaways have to be this way?/

other dirik looked as tho he was annoyed, but seeing dirk so upset he just smirked. "why so pissy bro?"

"i'll beat you next time," dirk vowed. "just you wait and see!"

"heh, i bet." other dirk drew closer to dirk and palaced a finger under his chin all condensending-like. "we should celebrate our respective victories here, dirk."

"what vitcories?' dirk sputtered, pulling away from dirk. "we fuckin' tied."

"which means we BOTH won." dirl moved closer, this tiemj wrapping his arms around dirk. dirk gluped. they were pressed right up aganist each other, wet skin sliding against skim. the only thing protecting him now were his swim trunks and his eye-obscuring gogglrs. "and we should celebrate." dirk leaned in 2 claim dirk's lips in a fierce, pasdsionate, hate filled kiss.

insantly dirk was fighting back by which i mean he wrapped his arms around dirk clentched a fist in his hair and kissed back, teeth gfnawng at dirk's lower lip. he gruond his hips forward and the kiss broke as they both gapsped at their crotches rbbiung together. they weren't hard yet but that was all about to change.

dirk pinned diek against the wall of the pool, kissing and grineding and nipping @ his neck. he tweaked dirk;s nipples evokling a cry of passion and lognging. he was practicly humping dirk now in hopes of sating the fiery pasisionite loahting cousing thru his veins but it was no use.

duirk raked his fingernails down dirk's back. dirk hissed in pain and hartred and brouht his hands up to wrap around drik's neck in revenge. he didnt squeezed hard, just enough 2 get the point across that he loathed dirk and he rly rly wanted to fuck him. dirk moaned as his oxygnen was cut off. his vision tunnelled until his limbs felt like jellyfish flotaing in the pool of his and dirk's shared hatefull desire. finlaly dirk released his throat and dirk gasped and coughed.

the dirk who wasnt currently gagging pulled his goggles off in one fluid motioin to reveal his gilmmrering chalcedony gems. other dirk quickly recovered and upped the ante by removing his own goggles. his grogeous eyes were the color of pumpkins set into dark chocolate mouse that was dirk's bieautiafully sculpted skin, exce[pt they went together WAY better than pumpkins and chocoalte. (a/n i dont actually know if pumkins and chocolate go together but jane betaed this and said they don't.)

orange bored into oragne for a momnent that felt like an eternity. fina;lly dirk broke the spell by pressing lips against lips once more. he hooke dhis thumbs in the other dirk's trunks and tugged them dow,n which other dirk reciporcated by doing the same. now they we’re floating, naked and toegther in one another's arms kissing and humping an moaning.

before long their erextions had reached full size. dirk reached down to wrap his deaf fingerns around both of them @ once and stroked nad tugged until they were competely hard. dirk was mnoaning lasciviously. he needed dork's flesh piston inside of him.

dirk spun dirk arounfd and slammed him up againts the wall pressing against him from behind. they both made all sortsa hella lewd noises as they bumped and grinded. suddenly seme dirk thrust into uke dirk. his throbibing hunk of manmeat stabbed into dirk's manbutton causing dirk to cry out with pleasure. he thrust again and again, each jab hitting dirk right where it felt best. passional moans echoed thru out the pool. they were hella lucky nobody else was tehre but then again this was extactly y they were doing this hours after class ended.

"dirk! oh god idrk" cried dirk.

"fuck" dirk grurnted "feels so good bro. aw yeah SHIT YEAH AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

with a pasisionate intremingled scream they similtaneously orgaspmed. dirk kept thursting tho and it wasnt long before they were cumming agian and again. finnally they both collapsed in exhuastion and floated thru the pool, serenely cudd;ling.

"i'll beat you next time," dirk mnumbled. his head was resting on dirk's chest like a puillow. it was very kawaii.

"we'll see."

~♠~♠~♠~

TT: What the fuck is this.  
TG: preety good right  
TT: No.  
TG: lol fuck u its gr9  
TG: i even had 2 maked up a new word 4 it  
TG: on acount of how grneine it was  
TG: some of my best work if i dos say so myself :)  
TT: Please tell me this is the only work involving me.  
TG: ;o  
TG: it miiiiiiiihgt be  
TT: Really, Rox?  
TG: i promrise it IS the only one that has u doin the full yaoi  
TT: This somehow fails to sate the "fiery pasisionite loahting cousing thru [my] veins" that I feel for this piece of trash you have the nerve to call "erotica".  
TT: This is an insult to not only me, but the genre itself.  
TT: I couldn't get off to this if I tried.  
TT: No, I will not try.  
TG: awww but dirk  
TG: wat about the science  
TG: how am i spuposed to learn from my mistakes w/o some sexpermienting ;)  
TT: Waste of time.  
TT: This sort of egregious inaccuracy is a huge bonerkill.  
TG: o  
TG: well since ur the MEGAVIRGIN FAPMASTER an all  
TG: whats so "inaccaurate"" about it  
TT: For one, water is not an appropriate stand-in for lube.  
TT: Do you have any idea how much that hurts?  
TG: ahahahahaha  
TG: no dirk  
TG: i cnat say i do  
TG: but thats the poinT!!!  
TG: its blacpkrom  
TT: What?  
TG: spaedslove  
TG: spadeslovheate*  
TG: its a troll thign UU told me about  
TG: did you kno trolls have 4 differne kinds of romamtic feelins  
TG: and 1 o them is like  
TG: hate  
TG: but a speical kind of hate that means u get to have all sorts of dangeruos hatesex  
TG: and go on hatedates and hateflrit w each other  
TT: That sounds fascinating, but Dirk 2 didn't seem to be bothered too much by it.  
TG: dirk 2 is the seme  
TT: I do not give a single fuck.  
TT: If you want to write hatelove tortureporn, I'm all for it.  
TT: But the parts that would hurt have to fucking hurt.  
TT: The choking was a good idea, maybe expand on that a little?  
TT: And why didn't you have one Dirk slam the other's head into the concrete?  
TT: That's totally something I would have done.  
TG: wat  
TT: Not hard enough to knock him out, of course. That's no fun.  
TG: uh  
TT: I mean, if you care at all about being in-character.  
TG: no i totes do  
TG: go on  
TT: There was hardly any actual fighting, or even shit-talking.  
TT: I didn't get the feeling that these guys really hated each other.  
TT: It reads way more like a shitty high school rivalry from a shitty fanservice anime.  
TT: A bunch of sass with no actual aggression.  
TT: And the cuddling at the end?  
TT: I wouldn't cuddle with someone I hated.  
TT: Unless it was a ploy to get their guard down. So I can start drowning them, or something.  
TG: wow  
TT: If he was me, though, that wouldn't really work.  
TT: I'm not about to let this asshole get the upper hand.  
TT: He doesn't deserve it.  
TG: hahaha WOWW  
TT: What?  
TG: dirk  
TG: take a moment & look back over thsi convo  
TG: & then get back 2 me  
TT: Why?  
TG: ur lecutrnig me about how i'm suspposed to write kinky hate seffcest porn of oyu  
TG: where the self** = you  
TT: Pornography is an art form, Lalonde.  
TT: If you don't appreciate my criticism, don't show me your work.  
TG: lmao  
TG: you are 190% seirous rn arent you  
TG: you are so full of shit spmetimes  
TG: aka all the tiems  
TG: is like you always think yuor the shit and then u get all full of urself  
TG: BAM auto fulla shit  
TG: hwat i meant is its gigaweird even for you but nvm  
TG: go ahead and be a pretenyious dick about some PR9NFIC i did 4 teh lulz in one aftenrnoon  
TT: I could do way better than this in an afternoon.  
TT: Even if I was as drunk as you no doubt were.  
TG: the dirnking helps my creative flow  
TT: Sober, then.  
TG: id like 2 see you try mister ;)  
TT: Ok, I will.  
TG: k good  
TG: you have idk some hours  
TG: startnign now  
TG: no perfromance-enahcning substances  
TG: go!

~♠~♠~♠~

**FUCK YOU, YOU WORTHLESS SACK OF VISCERA AND OBSTINATE SELF-IMPORTANCE**  
 _An autoerotic work of fiction by Dirk Strider_

It was a day like any other, except for the part where the arbitrarily dubbed Dirk 1 wanted to go swimming. Who knows why Dirk 1 would want to go swimming for pleasure, even in some weird alternate universe where he had access to a pool (not to mention a universe where he'd be in the type of situation that would necessitate donning a moniker like "Dirk 1"). One would think that his psyche would be so permanently damaged from being surrounded by an endless, empty expanse of water for his entire life that the chasm it created in his personality would persist across all possible universes and timelines, but that type of speculation is beyond the scope of this story.

Apparently the raison d'être of this story is some tempestuous self-pairing of dubious plausibility, and/or passionate "sexrets", whatever the fuck those would even be. So, to cut through the meaningless prologue metababble, we're going to assume that our plucky but slightly insufferable protagonist eventually goes to said pool and has a totally sexy strip scene involving a bait-and-switch tease regarding the removal of a certain pair of rad anime shades. The hinted removal of these shades is impregnated with deep meaning regarding the status of Strider's tortured soul or something equally fucking stupid. It's laced with more bullshit than the port-a-potty at a bovine bar mitzvah.

Just as he was about to get in the pool, a doppelganger in dorky purple pajamas appeared via the deus ex machina of your choice-- reader's pick à la carte, here. Choose your own plot contrivance, no extra charge. Dirk 1 (hereafter dubbed "Dick") took in the vision of Dirk 2 ("Dork") standing in the doorway, lingering on the intricately ruffled frills of Dork's fancy socks. Actually, that sparked a memory. "Oh, fuck. It's _you_."

"It's me," Dork affirmed. "That brilliant plot device made the impossible possible. We are both in the same place at the same time, looking at each other with the same eyes through the same sunglasses representative of our respective metaphorical demons or whatever reason it is that people think we wear these things, when in reality it's just that the sun is _really fucking bright_ when it reflects off the ocean like that. Also, they're chill as fuck."

"You said it," Dick agreed.

"Yeah. So. I guess the most logical thing to do right now would be to go for a swim race. Like there aren't any other pressing matters that we should explore upon being abruptly confronted with each other's existence, right? We definitely need to resolve the all-important question as to who can swim 20 laps faster than the other, and we need to do so _immediately_."

Then a whole bunch of boring, self-indulgent shit happened involving yet another strip tease and near-miss with the Shades of Pregnant Meaning and Manpain (not to be confused with mpreg man pain, which would be a whole other awful fic entirely), not to mention an aquatic big dick contest that results in both Dirks-- Dick and Dork-- overexerting themselves to the point of having serious diaphragm issues. Per usual, there was no satisfying outcome to this explosive episode of autoerotic disgust and determination. It was a fucking tie.

Dork smashed his fists into the water with an impotent groan. Why couldn't he ever beat Dick? "Fuck," he muttered.

"I guess that answers that," Dick said. He looked almost bored, treading water casually near the edge of the pool before hoisting himself out of the water. For such a bucket-licking douchemonger, Dork couldn't deny that Dick had nice deltoids.

Maybe even nicer deltoids than Dork. That nagged at him. Was such a thing even possible? Why did he look so blasé, anyway? Why did his hair still look so pointy, even after 20 laps in the pool? Did he have some kind of dark cherub magic gelling that shit in place? Where could Dork get some of that? He felt the stirrings of some flowery metaphor for anger and an erection fluttering in his stomach.

The stirrings were fluttering in his stomach, that is. Not the erection. That would just be weird and borderline physiologically impossible.

Dick, on the other hand, was looking down at Dork from where he sat, trying to figure out what his strategy should be. Man, what did Jake even see in this gangly, stilted weirdo? Look at how skinny he was. Look at how obviously over-invested he was in the outcomes of the tiniest shitting detail, like he thought he could exert any actual control over the situation. What a dickprince.

Actually, that gave him an idea. "Wait a sec," Dick said, putting on his glasses. Thank god he was the Dirk with the Autoresponder in his shades.

"What are you doing?" Dork asked, finally pulling himself out of the pool.

"Doling out instructions. I think I'll have AR tell Jake I won the race. Gotta control the narrative, Matsubroka. You understand."

Dork curled his hands into fists and set his jaw, grinding his knuckles silently into the concrete. Like it wasn't enough that Dick was lucky enough to live in the universe where Jake actually spent a significant amount of time awake, but this guy had to rub it in that he basically had all the leverage when it came to influencing Jake's perception of the two of them, just by virtue of being the arbitrarily Earthbound Dirk.

Wait, Earthbound is already a thing, isn't it? There has to be a better word for it. Apartment-locked? No, that looks stupid. He'll think of something.

Maybe if he wasn't so preoccupied with being annoyed at Dick, Dork would realize that there's no way that Dick could really explain the spatiotemporal anomaly that was going on right now to effect just such a swimming race, so maybe Dork should just let Dick dig his own grave.

Maybe the narrator should shut the fuck up and get to the action.

You know, the hot PR9NFIC.

Right. Here we go.

For the sake of narrative simplicity and also to invoke the trope of porn having only the most minimal amount of plot development necessary to get the balls bouncing, we're going to gloss over the parts where Dick pulled some serious psychological manipulation out of his ass to antagonize Dork to the point of physical violence and also simultaneously gave himself an accidental semi from how easy Dork was to play. Dork, on the other hand, couldn't believe what a tool Dick was being for no obvious reason.

The joke, of course, is on the both of them. The truth is that they're both easy tools. They're both the fucking worst, and they definitely deserve each other instead of any sane human being.

Anyway. Dork lunged at Dick, shoving his shoulders back onto the ground and making his head bounce off the concrete. Dick's teeth clacked together and pain radiated sharply through his head, cutting off whatever smartass thing he was going to say next. He was torn between being impressed that Dork had gotten the drop on him, being pissed that he'd let such an obviously deficient specimen get the better of him, and being furious that he found the half-snarl on Dork's face kind of hot.

He opened his mouth, presumably to mention one of these feelings or maybe just to be petulant about getting pinned, but then Dork's hands slid up to Dick's throat. Dork didn't squeeze hard, just enough to get the point across that he loathed Dick and really, really wanted to...

Wanted to what?

Fuck him? He didn't deserve the pleasure. This guy deserved to burn.

Dork doubled down on Dick's neck, elevating himself by rocking up on his knees and sitting on Dick's lap. Dick grabbed Dork's forearms and made a series of alarmed, guttural noises as his heart rate spiked and his vision started to tunnel. Who the fuck did this guy think he was, anyway. Who did either of them think they were. Oh, yeah, I'm just going to throw my alternate universe self under the bus in the ultimate selfish quest to win Jake English's heart by any underhanded means necessary. Oh, no big deal, I'm just going to _attempt to choke my alternate universe self to death for being an asshole, which really should come as no fucking surprise because come on Dork, what did you really expect?_

Dork looked down at Dick's wide, desperate eyes-- eyes that, for the sake of staying true to the genre, I guess I will deign to describe as citrine orbs-- and lost something. The explosive anger dissolved into broken, quiet disdain and pity. God, he sucked. I suck. Everyone sucks and is terrible and no one is ever happy because there is not a Dirk alive, dead, or fictional who can function properly with other human beings, much less in intra-Dirk relationships, the end.

Dork sat back against Dick's thighs, releasing his throat, and Dick gasped and coughed, sputtering like an idiot. "What the _fuck_ , bro?" he asked, and his citrine orbs were tired and resigned, like he was feeling just as stupid as Dork. Good, he should feel stupid. Stupid and wet and flushed and why did he look so hot when he was trying not to die even though he probably deserved it?

Dick, on the other hand, was angry that Dork had just let up on him and not given him the chance to fight his way out of it properly, and he was angry at how good it had felt to just let someone treat him the way he knew he probably had coming to him for all the pointlessly elaborate Machiavellian Strider bullshit.

Mostly, he felt pitiful. That was the worst, because he could feel Dork pitying him too, which for some reason was unbearable. Maybe that was why he grabbed Dork behind the neck and yanked him down into a kiss.

Kissing was much better than talking or looking at each other or getting choked, which Dick still had to admit carried a certain weird thrill. Maybe that explained why he was already hard. Dork didn't seem too surprised or set back by this new development, which made sense because Dork was Dick and Dick was Dork, because they're really both Dirk, who is me, and I guess I wouldn't be all that surprised if I started making out with myself in a moment of existential self-pity.

So, yeah, Dick hooked his thumbs under the band of Dork's trunks and pushed them down, immediately feeling the weight of Dork's dick on his thigh. Dork broke the kiss and Dick took the opportunity to gasp for breath, since he still wasn't quite back up to speed on his oxygen from the autohate asphyxiation.

"What are you waiting for, you worthless sack of viscera and obstinate self-importance? Grab my dick, Dick," Dork said. "Look at you, you're gagging for it."

Dick moaned. "Seriously? We would not make a joke that weak. I can't believe you just said that. This is so dumb. So fucking dumb." His voice cracked a little when he tried to speak.

"Why don't you shut up and jerk me off. It'll be the only useful thing you've done all day," Dork muttered, bending down to bite at Dick's jaw. Dick obliged, grabbing Dork's dick with all the self-loathing he could muster. Dork was pretty hard, which made sense because so was he, and so am I right now oddly enough. Raise your hand if you're fucking surprised.

Jesus Christ, I can't send this to Roxy. What the hell was I even thinking? I should know better than to encourage her with this bullshit, and I should _definitely_ know better than to send her porn I wrote about myself. Talk about your mixed messages.

I should definitely just delete this.

~♠~♠~♠~

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] sent tipsyGnostalic [TG] the file "illshowyousomehotfuckingyaoiz.docx" --


End file.
